Books Like How to Win Friends and Influence People

If you're looking for books like How to Win Friends and Influence People, you should know up front that my own book is on this list.

I'm bad with names, and that's why every guest at my parties wears a name tag. When I wrote my book, I backed it up with Dale Carnegie's line that a person's name is the sweetest and most important sound in any language. That one line is why his book is on my list of the best books on hosting parties.

This list is for what to read after Carnegie, and it sticks to people skills and persuasion. Influence and my own book are the ones I actually use. The rest come from other people's lists, and I've labelled them that way. If you're after books on making friends, I keep a separate list of the best books on making friends as an adult.

The books similar to How to Win Friends that I actually use

1. Influence by Robert Cialdini

I cite this one in my book. Robert Cialdini came up with the term "social proof," and I use it for RSVPs. When someone sees that your party has a bunch of RSVPs, they are more likely to RSVP themselves. That's why I get my core group to add their names on the event page first.

The whole book explains the psychology of why people say yes. It walks through his principles of persuasion: reciprocation, commitment and consistency, social proof, liking, authority, scarcity, and unity, which is new in the latest edition. It also teaches you how to defend yourself against unethical influence attempts.

2. The 2-Hour Cocktail Party by Nick Gray (my book)

It's about getting a room full of people together at your place, so you have somewhere to use Carnegie's advice.

The name tags take care of his point about names. For the conversations, every party starts with an icebreaker anybody can answer, because a really good question makes someone feel like they get to shine. It's a simple formula for a 2-hour party at home: name tags, icebreakers, cocktails only, and kick them out at the end.

Carnegie's book promises you can go after the job you want and get it. Research shows that most people find out about new jobs and opportunities through "weak ties," the people we see once or twice a year. Hosting is how you keep that network warm.

Lindsey Martin, a shy digital marketer in New York, followed an early draft of this book for her first party. More than fifteen guests came, and many of them met new friends, received job leads, or found a workout buddy. People kept asking her when the next one would be.

Your first party doesn't need to impress anybody. Invite your neighbors, your friends and your colleagues. Your first party is practice.

Full disclosure: it's my book, so weigh this pick however you like. Read the first chapter free, or see the book.

The people-skills books everyone else recommends

These come up again and again on other lists. Here's what each one covers, so you can pick the one that fits.

3. Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss

Chris Voss is a former FBI hostage negotiator, and this is his book on negotiation, written with Tahl Raz.

It covers building rapport, tactical empathy, calibrated questions, and turning conflict into collaboration. The publisher pitches it for everyday talks too: negotiating a salary, buying a car, renegotiating rent, or communicating with your children.

4. Crucial Conversations

This one is about speaking up when the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions differ.

The third edition came out in 2021, by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler and Emily Gregory. It added a new chapter on how to respond when somebody else starts the hard conversation. The publisher says the book has sold more than 5 million copies.

5. The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox Cabane

The myth in the title is the idea that charisma is something you're born with. Olivia Fox Cabane argues that charismatic behaviors can be learned and perfected by anyone.

She breaks charisma down into its parts, using techniques she first developed for Harvard and MIT. The idea is to add specific practices that fit the personality you already have.

6. How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes

Leil Lowndes packs in 92 techniques, from your first impression to small talk, body language and working a party like a politician works a room. Each one gets a catchy name, so you remember it when you really need it.

A podcast host once told me my neon yellow hat is what this book calls a "what's it": something you wear that gets people to ask, "Hey, what's that?" I started wearing the hat so my staff could find me at a huge meetup. The next day, somebody spotted me on the street in it, and we had a great conversation.

I think people are generally friendly. They just want accessibility points to begin the conversation.

Where to practise what How to Win Friends teaches

I think anybody can learn this. It's not rocket science. Just like going to the gym, hosting is a muscle that you can build. Your first party will be the hardest one that you do.

When you host a party at home, you get the social skills of leading a group in a comfortable environment. Then you have those skills when you're out at a bar or at somebody else's party.

That's how it went for me. I met my wife in real life at Barton Springs Pool in Austin. She was sitting up on the hill reading a book, and I went up and chatted with her. It was a long time of me hosting events that gave me the confidence to do that.

The success books I left off this list

Most lists for this search fill up with general success books: Atomic Habits, Rich Dad Poor Dad, Think and Grow Rich, The 48 Laws of Power and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Those are about habits, money and power more than about talking to people.

The 7 Habits also shows up on Goodreads' list for readers who enjoyed How to Win Friends.

Frequently asked questions about Carnegie's book

Where to start

• If you've never hosted a party, start with mine. You can read the first chapter free.
• If you want to know why people say yes, read Influence.
• If you have a salary, a car or rent to negotiate, read Never Split the Difference.
• If there's a hard conversation you keep putting off, read Crucial Conversations.
• If you think charisma is something you're born with, read The Charisma Myth.
• If you want techniques for small talk and first impressions, read How to Talk to Anyone.

Then open your calendar and choose a Tuesday or Wednesday night three to four weeks from now. If you want the formula for that night, see my book, The 2-Hour Cocktail Party.

If one of these books changes how you talk to people, email me and tell me which one.